no more ms. nice girl

i've been coming to the realization that i'm an extreme people pleaser and it's been at the expense of my integrity and sanity.

i always want everyone to like me, even if i don't care much for them. i always want everything to go smooth, i don't ever want any kind of friction. so i'll nod my head along when they say something inherently wrong or mean and then i'll regret not speaking up later. i'll let people walk all over me and i'll be extremely nice about it the whole way through but then i'll complain about it later.

i'm trying to please everyone around me and in the process of doing so i am really losing and displeasing myself.

i'm going to make an effort to speak up for myself from now on. i'm going to make an effort to find my true self and be that way instead of being a chameleon and changing and adapting to different situations. worrying about what people think of me and putting on a different front in every situation is beginning to get exhausting.

animals can be who they are. they don't have to worry about the way they come off to other animals, they don't have to worry about being politically correct. they come as they are and they get to just be. i'm going to take a cue from them and learn to just be me in every situation.

i need to accept that not everyone is going to like me. i need to learn that i only want to keep company with people that like me for my true self anyway. that can never happen if i don't show people my true self. i've been keeping it tucked away because it's feels safe this way. it's easier when people don't like you for your false self, because it's not really you they don't like.

keeping up this barrier between my true self and the people around me is preventing me from getting close to everyone around me and i'm beginning to feel the isolation.

i know i'll be much happier just finding and being my authentic self. i'm not sure who that is right now but i'm going to explore it...